Tuesday 9 October 2007

ONE OF ThE THiRTEEN (11)


ONE OF ThE ThiRTEEN. (Number 11)


A smile that has long gone, tries to remerge as I stand quietly against the cold wall, and I can't help but wonder how my life has gone so astray. My stomach feels like it is eating itself, and I'm cringing in my own skin. The silence of the room is mocking me, daring me to take action, but I don't move, I prefer to stand completely still, in the hope that I will fade away into the plastered walls.On the surface, I hide my hatred, my anger, my resentments and my pain rather well, but underneath my mask to this tiny world, there is a fury that cannot and never will be calmed. Much like a hurricane, I am in a state of absolute frenzy as my skin wills to escape the storm inside me, but there are times of brief tranquillity when I am able to convince myself that everything will be splendid and wonderful. Unfortunately, that peace of mind is always swallowed by the tidal wave of depression that overwhelms me like a curse of the scum.I crave for the inferno inside my skull to end, begging my screeching mind to match the silence of the room, but every crying plea is met with denial. My brain is acting like broken down and ancient home computer that cannot process the multitude of thoughts that was stored in it. The only way to clear my mind would be to release myself from life. This miserable existence.Somewhere between the innocence of my early years and the agony that I now endure, the realization of my misery grabbed on with its venomous grasp. I'm overflowing with poisonous blood, and it stings my very core as it circles my ageing body. All I want to do is throw my useless existence away for good. I don't give a damn anymore about anything, what a waste of my free-spirited potential, I am a man of code and the code has been broken. I have been broken, beyond repair. You would think with the billions of stars out there and the infinite design of the universe, those wondrous mysteries of existence would give me some purpose, some meaning. But. In my case, ignorance would really be bliss.I assume that I was just born in the wrong era, the wrong time, the wrong place and the wrong body, but this modern society that promotes freethinking and encourages greed is impossible to exist in as a broken man of code. Since I don't have the ability to pursue my dreams freely without being a consumer, or being consumed and the awful and the scum interfering with my very life and soul, ending it all seems a much more viable solution. Unfortunately, that requires action, and to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. In my case, there may be a larger reaction of nothingness if I was to act on my desires, but my patience is waning thin. I long for the day that my own regret at living another day outweighs the regret I would feel for not immortalizing my misery onto the pages of books and into the minds of the others by giving them my hatred and disgust onto art and installations.Alas, that day is not yet here, that day I suspect will never come, but if it does come, I shall relish it and make the fuckers pay for their lies and conformities! Until then, the silence dangles the deadly notion in front of me like bait as it taunts my cowardice. I am one of the thirteen and I am Joshua Kane (number 11).

ThE ENd

No comments: